There’s the seven kids who greeted me at the door of their home one day when I, a first time visitor, had stopped by. First, the 4-year-old shook my hand, smiled, said hello, and then behind him came his brothers and sister. Each one smiled, shook my hand politely, and welcomed me in. Wow. I thought. What planet are they from?

Come to my house, and it’s likely you’ll be greeted with nerf bullets whizzing directly at your head, instead of a handshake.

But we’re growing. I like to take the best from the best examples we see, and eliminate the habits we don’t want to bring into the world. The handshake? It’s one of the things we are working on. Not because I think it’s critical, or because I want to create little robots, but because it’s a valuable and positive way to greet people, and they can use it their whole lives.

Once I got to know the parents of the 7 kids, I discovered how extraordinarily different they are. They make it their focus to instill specific principles in their kids. They develop habits, mission statements, and family fun around creating their legacy. In 17 years, they’ve never once had a television in the house.

Sound weird? Extremist? Maybe. But perhaps it’s time to change things up a bit in your own household.

Being a mom isn’t always easy, glamourous or perfect. But the beauty of leaving a legacy, is that it’s your own. Whether you’re a single mom, a married mom, or the mom of a blended family, you’re the CEO of your own life and you have to do what works for you.

After a decade of coaching, and working with extraordinary leaders, moms, CEOs, and entrepreneurs, I’ve taken away a few important tips that I try (when I can!) to incorporate into my own home.

Tips to Better Yourself and Your Kids

Be Authentic
Do what works for you, and your own family. Your legacy is uniquely yours. Make a list of the things that are important to you. Your friend might have her kids in karate, or baseball coaching, or select soccer after school, but you might find that it’s too hectic to fit into your schedule. Don’t try to be something you’re not.

Eliminate Toxins
Step back and look at what negative people places, or things you could eliminate from your family. Is it a playgroup that just doesn’t feel right anymore? The women’s club, a moms group, or perhaps an activity your kids are involved in? Eliminating what doesn’t feel right is the fastest way to decrease stress! Your household will feel it immediately.

Create a Family Mission Statement
This one is easy and powerful. Gather your family together over dinner, and ask each one to define what they want the family to be. Encourage them with empowering words, like love, joy, and giving back. Create a written vision statement for your family and frame it. Put it in the kitchen, the center of your home, for everyone to see.

Are there things that you can eliminate that would actually add value to your lives?

Tammy Kling is a life coach, advocate for the homeless, and international author of 29 books including The Compass. She’s the mom of two boys, an avid trail and mountain runner, blogger, and adventure travel writer.

Each complaining sentence was louder and more irritable than the one before it. The lingering coolness of my shower quickly heated to a hot, red flush over my cheeks. My automatic reaction was to mirror my daughter’s temperature: “What are you mad at me for?” I wanted to shout. Some of the other involuntary thoughts that rushed to my mind included:

• Fine! Don’t eat. But don’t bother telling me you’re hungry in an hour.
• If you don’t like what we serve for breakfast in this house, you can go without eating!
• Why don’t you just go spend the morning in your room? I don’t deserve to be spoken to in that way.

There were a few other names and phrases that flooded my senses within the first five seconds of her Waffle Rant, but in what I would like to think of as a moment of clarity (though it was probably only a matter of me debating which unhelpful reaction to voice), I just stared at her silently. Fortunately for both of us, that moment of quiet allowed my daughter the necessary pause to regain control of her emotions and to softly say, “I’m sorry, Mama. I was just really frustrated at the computer and I took it out on you.”

From eagerness to start the day, to a flash of anger, to pride in my child’s emotional maturity (and relief that I had muted my own automatic thoughts), my emotions in that single minute of time took an intense roller coaster ride. I call it the Nothing Comes from Nothing journey.

Have you ever been in a situation with your child where “out-of-the-blue,” they seem to want to fight? You witness (and are often the recipient of) a spike of sudden and unexplained anger. Because the emotion seems unfounded (and since it is usually dumped out on you), your emotions are instantly triggered and you, too, are inspired to quick anger. A heated conflict ensues, a dent is created in your relationship, and both of you feel bewildered about the whole situation.

One of the most common self-defeating patterns of behavior among young people is this phenomena of displacement. Displacement occurs when a child takes out his anger on an unsuspecting, often undeserving target. Because the target is taken by surprise, he often reacts in a conflict-fueling way and the rest…is history. Opportunities for healthy self-expression are lost. Relationships are damaged. Both parties lose.

How can parents handle this destructive dynamic?  Is there a “cure” for displacement? As with most effective parenting strategies, the answer is that management begins at a personal level.

Steps To Follow When Your Child Explodes Into a Fit of Anger

Pause for a Moment

Hold your reaction. The most human thing you can do is mirror his behavior and respond with equal anger, but this will only serve to escalate the conflict and miss an opportunity to teach your child something about effective anger expression.

Recognize that Nothing Comes from Nothing

Most people don’t spontaneously combust. If your child is having a big reaction, be willing to look beyond his or her surface behavior and figure out what is motivating it.

Drain Off the Emotion

The first stage of Life Space Crisis Intervention, a therapeutic strategy for turning crisis situations into learning opportunities for kids with chronic patterns of self-defeating behaviors, teaches parents and professionals that before they can rationally engage a child in a discussion about his feelings, they must first reduce the emotional intensity of the situation. “Drain Off” is accomplished through such de-escalation skills such as active listening, supportive non-verbal communication, and a whole lot of patience.

Understand the Timeline

When kids are flooded by emotions, often they lose track of what made them so angry in the first place. Once your child has calmed down to the point where he or she can talk about what is going on, ask open-ended questions (e.g. How were you feeling when you woke up this morning? What was going on before I came downstairs from my shower?) to encourage your child to recount the timeline of what led up to their outburst. This             process of making a child feel heard and understood is relationship building — the precise opposite of what happens when parents allow themselves to be drawn into the conflict and to engage in relationship damaging wars of words.

Explain the Dynamic of Displacement

As you hear your child tell his story, you may begin to recognize a pattern of displacement. Continuing on with your use of questions, ask the child:

• Who were you really mad at?
• Who did you take your anger out on?
• Did that person deserve your anger?
• What can you do to mend the situation?
• What could you do to prevent the situation from occurring next time?

The use of questions empowers your child to develop insight into his or her self-defeating behavior and to feel competent in developing solutions for the situation. Role-playing skills for more effective emotional expression in the future is a helpful way to round out the process.

Management begins with us. As parents, we have the power to make a situation worse or better — a relationship damaged or improved. Understanding the dynamics of displacement and recognizing that nothing comes from nothing enables us to disengage from destructive conflict cycles and respond instead in ways that build insight in children and foster positive relationships with the ones we love.

When it comes to your child’s behavior, what ways have helped you turn the situation from negative to positive?

Signe Whitson, LSW.  Passive aggressive behavior is her specialty.  Her advice provides ways for overcoming miscommunication and turns things around into positive opportunities to learn and grow.  To read more of her suggestions check out her blog, Passive Aggressive Diaries. In an effort to help families, she has partnered with My Baby Clothes Boutique.  They  listen to what parents want and work on providing it.  Explore some beautiful baby headbands, tutus for your little ballerinas and designer baby clothes for your precious darling.

Good self-esteem is important for us to have as well, because it is difficult to impart if it is not already possessed.  Self-esteem goes hand-in-hand with a positive outlook on life. It is for this reason that sites like MomItForward exist—to help make your job easier so that you feel happier and can pass that feeling onto your family. Amway, the distributor of many nutrition, bath and body, and home products, also aims to promote what they call “positivity.” Says Gary Mougalian, Marketing Director at Amway: “Positivity is a powerful and infectious mindset that can make a real difference to people and communities.” To promote positivity in the community, they began what they called the “Positivity Project” in 2010. “The essence of the Positivity Project is the idea of creating a movement of positivity—and this is only possible if that positivity is continually passed on—or ‘paid forward.’” Entrants submitted inspirational stories, judges selected semi-finalists based on how uniquely they expressed the power of positive, how much they have affected others for the better, the extent to which their story could be an example to others, and how they would use the prize of $10,000 to carry on the power of positive. The grand prize winner was chosen by the general public voting online.

Caitlin Boyle, founder of OperationBeautiful.com, won because the mission of her blog is to end negative self-talk by women. Her site began when she, after having a particularly horrible day, was inspired to do something nice for a stranger, and wrote “You Are Beautiful” on a post-it note and put it on a public bathroom mirror. The note went viral and OperationBeautiful.com was born, with a mission to spread positivity and hope through random messages. Caitlin announced that she will be paying forward her prize money to Girls on the Run, an organization that encourages preteen girls to develop self-respect and healthy lifestyles through running. Says Gary, “Caitlin’s donation will help to fund 76 lower-income girls’ participation in the Girls on the Run program.”

Amway’s Positivity Project and Caitlin’s Operation Beautiful are two examples of people passing on or paying forward good things. It has been said: “An effort made for the happiness of others lifts us above ourselves,” (Mrs. Lydia Maria Child). The best way to increase our happiness and that of our children is to acknowledge every piece of goodness that has come into our lives and pay it forward in whatever way we can, no matter how small or large, for in so doing, there is no way that we too can not be the ones lifted.

Click here to join the #gno Twitter party this Tuesday 2/2 from 9-11 PM EST with Pepperidge Farm Fishful Thinking to share parenting advice and activities with other moms and Dr. Karen Reivich, renowned Positive Psychologist.

Prizes

One winner will receive a Fishful Thinking prize pack, which includes one Canon digital camera to capture life’s precious moments and “The Optimistic Child,” co-authored by Dr. Karen Reivich. ($250 Approximate Retail Value)

Extra Entries

To enter for a chance to win the Fishful Thinking prize pack giveaway, you must do the following and leave a corresponding comment and link on this post:

• Follow @PepperidgeFarm on Twitter.

• Visit FishfulThinking.com and find your favorite activity (found under each of the five ingredients). Tweet the name of the activity and a link to that activity. Include the #fishfulthinking hashtag. Here is an example:

My favorite #fishfulthinking activity is Praise with Purpose http://bit.ly/7UYYz6 What’s yours? #fishfulthinking #gno

• Tweet the following:

Discuss positive parenting & connect w/ moms Tues., 2/2 (9-11 pm ET) @ #gno! RSVP: http://bit.ly/bOsFEk #fishfulthinking

Extra Entry

Complete the following option to earn one extra entry for each tweet for a total of two extra entries. Make sure to leave separate comments for each with corresponding links to the tweet(s) on this post.

• Tweet the following:

Check out what 1,100 moms said about parenting on the #fishfulthinking Parenting Survey:  http://bit.ly/4Q7LvH #gno

GIVEAWAY! Enter 2 win @pepperidgefarm #FishfulThinking Prize Pack incl digi camera ($250 ARV). http://bit.ly/cedSUa #gno PLS RT

Terms and Conditions

No purchase necessary to enter. Winners will be selected randomly. Mom It Forward and Pepperidge Farm employees are ineligible to participate. All entries received after Wednesday, February 3 at midnight PT will not be considered. Entries that do not follow all of the entry requirements will not be considered. Winners will be notified and will have 24 hours to confirm receipt of the e-mail. If they do not reply within 24 hours, another winner will be selected. Open to participants in the US and Canada 18 years and older. One entry per person.

For a complete listing of sweepstakes terms and conditions, please click here.

Fishful Thinking^SM is a program sponsored by Pepperidge Farm that provides resources, tips, and activities for raising happy, healthy children. Pepperidge Farm teamed with Dr. Karen Reivich, a leader in positive psychology research, and a mother of four, to provide parents with resources, tips, and activities they can use to help kids tackle life’s obstacles.

Who do you go to for parenting advice? Join us for a night connecting with other moms to share tips and activities for positive parenting! Join us here at #gno on February 2 from 9-11PM EST with Dr. Karen Reivich, the Mom It Forward gals, and the Fishful Thinking team to share a night of parenting support!

• What: Girls’ Night Out (#gno) Twitter party (Click here to learn about #gno!)
• When: Tuesday, February 2, 9-11 p.m. EST (8CT, 7 MT, & 6 PT)
• Where: Click here to party with us on our very own Custom Tweetgrid! (Use hashtags #gno and #fishfulthinking.)
• Topic: Fishful Thinking: A Resource for Positive Parenting
• Who: @1momof5 @cecilyr @karenreivich @noflashcards @pepperidgefarm @sarah0514 @sitsgirls @springtacious @ssmirnov @reneejross @rockandrollmama @writingthewaves @youngmommy
• Party Favors: Click here to enter for a chance to win this week’s giveaway from Pepperidge Farm Fishful Thinking. Deadline: 2/3
• RSVP: Use Mr. Linky below (enter the twitter URL and your twitter ID (e.g., http://twitter.com/jyl_momIF). If you would like to include your blog, please enter it next to your name. Make sure to include your twitter URL in the URL line. Please do not enter your blog URL there.

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