Growing Up With Epilepsy

I’m 14. One day I’m watching an after-school special with my classmates about a kid with Epilepsy. He has a seizure during a basketball game. Isn’t that funny? We’re laughing. We don’t understand. We all join in on the laughter.

It’s a month later and now I’m having a seizure.

A week after that, I’m on medication that makes me fall asleep in the middle of class. I’ll be on it for the rest of my life. I’ll drop a gallon of milk, because my hands are so unsteady I can’t hold it.

My teachers will get mad at me, because my otherwise beautiful handwriting somehow turns sloppy. As it turns out, a gallon of milk isn’t all I can’t hold. Even a pencil is tough.

I’ll break my jaw in three places. I’ll fracture my skull. I’ll get 42 staples in my head. I’ll break off all of my front teeth. My platelets will drop into the below low normal range, spotting me with bruises, and we won’t know why. I’ll have bone marrow aspirations to discover.

I’ll lose hair. I’ll gain weight. I’ll be scared to get pregnant. I’ll have high-risk pregnancies. I’ll have seizures in an airplane, at the gas tank, and in a parking lot. I’ll give speeches and wonder every time what will happen if I fall and whether people will still see me as normal if I do.

But, I don’t see all that coming when I’m 14. I can’t know it, but even still, I have had a seizure. And suddenly the after school special doesn’t seem as funny. I’m not laughing anymore. I work hard to hide my secret, because I don’t want the kids laughing at me like we laughed at basketball boy. Because now, I’m that kid with Epilepsy. And I grow tired trying to hide my secret. And finally, I have a seizure that everyone sees and the secret has been uncovered. And, I am horrified and relieved all at once, even as I struggle to learn that everyone has their things and that there is no such thing as normal.

Parenting Children With Health or Other Challenges

Back to current time. You’re the parent. You have a challenged child. Meaning that your child has Epilepsy or Diabetes or is on the Autism Spectrum or has Schizophrenia or Food Allergies or Low Self-Esteem or a mixture of other challenges. You want to raise him or her with confidence, with the opportunities to enjoy a happy childhood without worrying about such seemingly adult challenges like health or mental health or other such issues. You want to help navigate through the symptoms. You are scared. You don’t have all the answers. What do you do? Where do you go for help?

While I can only speak from the point of view of someone who has epilepsy and not the parent of a child with epilepsy, I have had many conversations with my mom about how she parented me.

7 Keys to Parenting a Challenged Child

My 10 year-old son suffers from anxiety, so now it is my turn to take all of the lessons I learned from her and to apply them as a parent. Here are some things I learned from my mom that I hope will also help you:

1. Increase understanding. First and foremost, learn everything you can about your child’s diagnosis. This could take years, but search high and low, online and offline, to get in the know!
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2. Find support. Whether you join a support group in your community or find one online, make sure to reach out to others with children in similar circumstances. Not only are other parents great resources for information, they will help you feel that you aren’t alone in your parenting struggles.
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3. Set realistic expectations. Once you are armed with information, help your child learn to understand his or her challenges. Do this in a factual way. For example: “You have epilepsy. If you don’t take your medication, you will most likely have a seizure. If you do take your medication, you may experience some side effects, but they won’t be as bad as having a seizure.”
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4. Learn to live within limitations. I found that I really wanted to be in control of my health, so learning what I could and couldn’t control was really important to me. In my situation, I could control whether or not I took my medication. But I couldn’t control whether I had a seizure. However, the risks of me having one almost 100 percent decreased if I took my medication. So, it was up to me! Knowing that helped me feel in control and like I had options.
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   Note: I pushed every limit as a teen. I skipped taking my meds. I lived with a lot of stress. I stayed out all night in college, etc. And, I reaped the consequences every time until I finally said: “I HATE having seizures. I’d rather live within my limitations than have one.” So, if your child is pushing limits, consider it part of their growth process of learning to live within their limitations. Ultimately, it is up to them to decide the lifestyle they want to have and to choose accordingly.
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5. Don’t compare. Every person, whether you can detect it or not, lives with challenges. Not everyone has health issues. You just can’t compare your challenges as a parent to the challenges other parents face. So don’t compare! You’ll be miserable every time.
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6. Give opportunities for growth. If I could only give huge kudos to my mom for one thing, it would be for her ability to help me feel like I could do anything, even when some things were more difficult for me. If your child is challenged, regardless of how severe, find opportunities that make sense for him or her and offer ways to help achieve success in those areas.
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   My mom was really scared to let me travel alone, but I really wanted to be a foreign exchange student. She got a lot of push back from other parents, including family members, when she encouraged me to interview for a spot. But I never knew that until I was an adult. All I knew as a teenager was that she helped me prepare for the interview and was ecstatic when I got accepted into the program. My dad was the same. She always made me feel that I should reach for the stars. If I worked hard enough or was resourceful enough, she thought I could achieve anything. It didn’t mean she wasn’t scared. Or didn’t lose sleep. But, I grew up thinking I could do anything and eventually forgot epilepsy may get in my way.
   Note: I did have a seizure while I was a foreign exchange student and my mom’s worst nightmare came true. But, it taught us all that I could handle my health challenges on my own, which was an important lesson for a 17-year old to learn (and the parent of a 17-year old)!
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7. Get help! Some challenges are far more severe and difficult to deal with than something like epilepsy. I have a brother with schizophrenia and I always think that my epilepsy prepared my mom for that much bigger challenge and yet if you ask her, she’ll tell you that nothing prepares you for something like Schizophrenia or mental illness in general.If you are feeling hopeless or don’t know what to do, reach out to someone with more information. Talk to a doctor or other parents about ways to get help and then seek out that help. Information is the first step, because knowledge is power.
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8. Have hope! This is so easy to say, especially in tough moments. But, do whatever you can to build a reservoir of hope. Recognize that you may have to go through a grieving process. Come to terms that this situation may be long term. Then, have hope, knowing that with information, support, and going through the other steps listed above will help you to do everything you can to influence your child’s life. Ultimately, the health struggles he or she faces will be outside of your control, but how you deal with them and in turn, how you teach your child to approach them and manage them, is completely within your influence.

I am now 41 years old. I have two happy and healthy boys. I am married to a fantastically funny guy! I enjoy life by eating large amounts of cheese, dancing like crazy whenever I get the chance, traveling to the ends of the earth and back, and (yes!) giving speeches even though I am nervous I may have a seizure. And life is good! Now… to help my son face his challenges with anxiety so he, too, can feel that life is good!

What tips do you have for raising kids with health or other challenges? How do you help them enjoy life in spite of their challenges?

Photo 1 courtesy of Flickr and Photo 2 courtesy of Flickr.

Tips for Choosing the Right Car for Your Teen

Here are a couple of points that you should consider when choosing the right car for your teenager:

Price Range

First, you must decide on a price range. This is probably the best first step in any major purchase, though with a teenager involved, it becomes even more important to set boundaries right from the beginning.

Will the teen be contributing any money to the purchase price? Do they have a job? If so, do they have the work ethic to make a car payment? If no one can afford a car payment, is there someone in the family that will be able to work on the vehicle? A $2000 budget can go a long way if there’s a mechanic in the family. Otherwise, that same amount of money might be better spent on a down payment on a loan, if someone in the family has good enough credit to obtain one. All of this must be considered before deciding on a final price range.

Driving Ability

Next, you must decide how much you trust your teen’s driving ability. According to studies, teenagers are the most dangerous drivers on the road. Handing them a high-powered, rear-wheel drive sports car is not going to help their odds of having a trouble-free first few years. As a general rule of thumb, rear-wheel drive cars are more dangerous in the hands of the inexperienced than front wheel drive.

Also, consider whether your teen can and should be allowed to drive a manual transmission. Although manuals do provide more control, when one is new to driving, manually shifting requires a higher level of concentration. If your teenager learned to drive with a stick, it’s probably safe to add cars with manual transmissions to the list of those to consider. Otherwise, sticking with an automatic is probably a safer choice.

These are just a few of the things that should be considered before purchasing a car for your teenager. Though there will certainly be other things to think about, these points are probably the most important, and should allow you to quickly narrow your list of potential cars to a manageable level.

What influenced you when you made your first car purchase? Or when you helped your teen purchase his or her first car? How can you teach your teenager to be a safe driver?

Ken is an automotive blogger, who writes for a cash for junk cars company. The company helps individuals sell cars. He speaks from experience, as he has witnessed many parents purchasing cars for there teenagers.

Most people with eating disorders have a difficult time experiencing and expressing emotions. Symptoms are a behavioral way to express what cannot, or is not, being expressed emotionally. So, a typical child who is angry at a parent may slam their door, sulk, avoid contact, or not follow through on household chores. A child with an eating disorder might choose to not eat or vomit.

It is easier to have consequences for the power struggle that ensues when a child won’t take out the garbage; but it is painfully sensitive and scary to have consequences for the child who chooses not to eat as a way to express their dissatisfaction or wish for autonomy.

Either way, my advice for families is the same. Helping a teen find an emotional – not a behavioral – voice is key in dismantling power struggles. For families who have a child with an eating disorder, this is paramount. Words need to replace destructive or life-threatening behaviors. Here are things to consider for families struggling with their child’s eating disorder:

• Separation and autonomy are inevitable and necessary tasks of adolescence. Supporting healthy separation of a child with an eating disorder is a key in recovery.

• Children with an eating disorder have an increased difficulty in working out these tasks and expressing their feelings, especially anger. Understand that their eating disorder is not a willful act, but one of helplessness and pain. Their attempt is ultimately not to thwart you, but to hurt themselves.

• Teens with an eating disorder need your voice of understanding, sensible limit setting and compromise. Talking about what they are – or are not – eating is typically not helpful and often provokes the power struggle. Point out when you see your child using their symptoms as a weapon, and ask whether they can share in words what they are feeling.

• A parent’s anxiety is likely to be understandably escalated during the course of their child’s illness. Keeping your anxiety in check will help with rational thinking in your responses, particularly when your child’s behavior is provocative and scary.

Most importantly, seek the help of professionals. Solid family therapy can teach all members how to understand and interpret power struggles and how to dismantle them so that eating disorder behaviors are replaced by communication and appropriate teenage rebelliousness.

How do you handle your teenager’s urge to be rebellious?

Photo courtesy of Flickr.

Dr. Scheel has been treating eating disorders for more than 25 years. She is the founder and executive director of CEDAR Associates, a private outpatient practice specializing in the treatment of eating disorders and other self-harming behaviors. She is also the recent author of When Food is Family: A loving approach to heal eating disorders, which looks at how childhood relationships and experiences can play a role in contributing to the development of eating disorders. More can be found at www.whenfoodisfamily.com. A member of the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), Academy for Eating Disorders (AED), and the Eating Disorders Coalition, Inc., Dr. Scheel emphasizes the importance of mutual respect, empathy, trust, and the need to live authentically in eating-disorder treatment approaches.

If you want to give your teen the best chance of remaining heart-healthy and cancer free as an adult, you must make smoking a serious offense in your home. If you’re reading this, and you have a teenager in your life, you already know “because I said so” rarely works. So arm yourself with these statistics to help debunk your teen’s – and maybe even your own – most commonly believed myths about smoking. 

Myths About Smoking

Myth 1: “Smoking Helps Me to Relax.” 

Not even close. According to a review of psychological studies featured in the American Psychological Association’s American Psychologist, nicotine has been shown to actually intensify stress among smokers.

Myth 2: “I’m Too Young to Get Sick from Smoking.”

When it comes to the health risks associated with smoking, age is nothing but a number. According to the American Cancer Society, common health problems among early smokers include damage to the lungs, diminished ability to smell and taste and premature aging of the skin. 

Myth 3: “I Just Want to Try It, I Won’t Get Addicted.”

The truth is that almost all smokers today started by just trying it once. According to the American Cancer Society, anyone who starts smoking can become addicted to nicotine, and may have difficulty quitting over the long-term.

Myth 4: “I’m Just a Social Smoker.”

Unfortunately, occasional smokers do not reduce any of the risks associated with tobacco use, simply by smoking fewer cigarettes than serious addicts. The potential negative outcomes described in the above myths still apply.

Myth 5: “Fine, I’ll Quit. On My Own.” 

Many teens believe that quitting tobacco is easy and doesn’t require parental involvement, much less professional guidance. However, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 82 percent of 11 to 19 year olds who do smoke think about quitting. They simply lack the tools and support network to achieve success. The Youth Tobacco Initiative reports that 3 out of every 4 adolescent smokers that have tried to quit smoking have failed.

Being able to debunk these common teen smoking myths is one way to prepare yourself for a useful conversation about tobacco use with your child. But even parents whose teens are already frequent tobacco users need to know that it’s never too late to intervene.

One thing I’ve learned about working with adolescents in my 20 years as a counselor is that there’s always a way in and parents can connect their teen to cessation programs specifically for young people. By providing a support network, real-life tools, and focusing on taking “baby steps” to quitting through reduction, I’ve seen many hard-to-crack teens leave tobacco behind for good.

 How do you connect with your child? Do you schedule a specific time when you and your children can talk?

Photo courtesy of Flickr.

Mylene Krzanowski is the executive director of Student Assistance Services at Caron Treatment Centers. Caron’s teen tobacco cessation and reduction program, Project CONNECT, has helped more than 600,000 teens in 13 states get on the path to tobacco freedom since 2001.

Passive aggressive behavior is a deliberate and masked way of expressing feelings of anger. This behavior thrives in the pre-teen and adolescent years when teens learn that compliant defiance can be more satisfying—and less likely to result in punishment—than fighting, yelling, and other disruptive ways of expressing emotion. Passive aggression explains why adolescents experience extreme forgetfulness at chore time and temporary deafness when homework is assigned. Although passive aggression is a common feature of adolescent development, there are distinct ways parents can cope with this behavior and help their kids develop skills for more assertive, relationship-enhancing communication.

3 Ways to Enhance the Communication With Your Teen

Recognize the Signs

Though people with passive aggressive behavior try hard to mask their angry feelings, evidence of it can be found, if parents know what to look for. Early detection prevents problem escalation. Watch out for red flags such as:

• Shutting down conversations (“Fine” and “Whatever”)
• Denying feelings of anger (“I’m fine.  Whatever!”)
• Verbally complying but behaviorally delaying (“I’ll clean my room after swimming.”)
• Intentional inefficiency (“I did put away the dishes.  I didn’t know where those bowls went, so I just stacked them on the counter!”)
• Avoiding responsibility for tasks (“I didn’t know you wanted me to do it.  Putting away the laundry is his chore!”)

Make Friends with Anger

Anger is a basic, spontaneous, normal part of the human condition.   Too often, kids are held to an unrealistic social standard about what it takes to be “good” and learn to perceive anger as a sign of being “bad.”  Passive aggressive behavior is commonly the result of kids believing that they have to suppress angry feelings in order to avoid feelings of guilt or the experience of confrontation.

Parents can teach kids to own, accept, and “make friends” with their anger. By teaching kids how to disagree without arguing, say “no” without feelings guilty, and stand up for themselves when they are being mistreated or bullied, they build a foundation for lifelong emotional intelligence and strong relationships.

Be Graceful on the Receiving End

A parent’s willingness to receive a child’s verbalized anger is a third essential element of helping him develop skills for assertive anger expression. Though none of us enjoy being on the receiving end of anger—and no one deserves to be a victim of verbal abuse—when our kids test out new skills of assertively voicing their angry feelings, parents must be willing to accept this open and direct form of communication. For many, this is truly difficult. But for lasting change to take hold, kids must know that the assertive expression of their anger will be tolerated, respected, and even honored!

How do you effectively communicate with your teen? What steps do you take to enhance the communication?

Photo courtesy of Flickr.

Signe Whitson is a licensed social worker, a writer and a mom with over ten year of experience working with children and parents.  Signe also has training workshops for professionals and parents across the US.  During her spare time Signe enjoys writing for My Baby Clothes dot com.  You can find great baby clothes and beautiful tutus with matching baby headbands for all of your little ones needs and special occasions.

Top 10 Ways to Tell Your Child Is a Tween

Here is a top 10 list of dead giveaways that showed me my son left childhood behind to enter the pre-teen years. I’m not gonna lie. I’m more than a little afraid!

1. He asks to do chores to earn money for a bike and clothes? CLOTHES? When did he start caring about tween style? Next, he’ll be asking for deodorant! Right when he decides it’s cool to shower.
2. He flips his hair like Justin Bieber (even though it’s super short and can’t remotely flip).
3. He wears the same shoe size as I do.
4. He tells me I embarrass him all.the.time.
5. He won’t let me give him high fives, or, heaven forbid hug him, in public.
6. He notices girls. WHAT????
7. He started running on my treadmill every day to get exercise. (He’s ridiculously skinny already!)
8. He turned down a picture with Spider Man and a Harry Potter wand on our recent trip to Universal Orlando Resort, because those photo opps and souvenirs are for “little kids,” not tweens like him.
9. He started ordering off the adult menu, because the kids’ menu doesn’t fill him up anymore. OUCH! PRICEY!
10. He started his own business (a lemonade stand) and hired employees! Why are they teaching business classes to kids in school. He keeps quoting that McDonald’s is a 32 billion-dollar company. I think he’s going for the big bucks with his business!

In better news, behind closed doors, he still snuggles with me and does fist bumps as long as I don’t tell anyone. Shhhhhh!

What signs have you seen that show you your kids are moving from one phase to the next in their growing up years?

As adults, we know first hand that the world can be a very stressful place at times. Unfortunately, our children also face many challenging situations on a daily basis, whether it’s peer pressure, the college application process or the search for a prom date. Many people turn to drugs and alcohol because they don’t know how to cope with stress. As parents, we have an opportunity to teach our children healthy coping skills from a young age, so they won’t use dangerous substances to deal with tough feelings. Teaching them these skills at a young age will also equip your child for adulthood, where they will experience fear, stress, disappointment, frustration and other emotions on a regular basis.

Tips for Helping Children Develop Healthy Coping Skills

In our first four posts, we addressed the topics of drugs and alcohol, body image, bullying, and the media, The final column in our series on the top conversations to have with your kids in 2011 provides parents with tips for helping their children develop healthy coping skills, including the following:

• Address the issue: It is important to address your child’s real cause of unhappiness, instead of trying to ignore it. Explain that it’s not realistic to be happy all the time, and be there for your child as they bear through what may seem unbearable for them. Provide strategies for how one can acknowledge their real fears and failures, and how to push through them in a healthy way. For example, you may encourage your child to write in their journal or call a close friend when something upsets them.
• Face the consequences: Allow your child to face natural consequences of his/her behavior. While no one wants to see their child suffer, if you are always rescuing them from challenging situations, they will not be able to practice coping skills they will need to adapt as healthy adults.
• Build a support system: Encourage your child to build a support system beyond you and your spouse to help them during difficult times. That includes guidance counselors, teachers at school, coaches, relatives or other mentors.
• Be a role model: Show your child how you cope with pain or stress productively. If you have a hard day in the office, perhaps you take a yoga class or call your sister. Always remember that you are the number one model for your child’s behavior.

For more parenting tips and tools, please visit http://www.caron.org/parenting-tips-and-tools.html.

Tammy Granger is Caron’s Regional Director of Student Assistance Programs for Caron Treatment Centers. As such, she manages Student Assistance Services in the Northeast region in private and public schools as well as colleges and universities.

Caron’s Student Assistance Program currently reaches more than 60,000 students, teachers and parents annually.

(Image courtesy of yogatherapytoronto.com)

MTV’s controversial new series Skins is receiving a lot of attention for portraying rampant teen drug use and sexual behavior without any inclusion of consequences. It has set the stage perfectly for this week’s post on the top conversations to have with your kids in 2011, which is the media, where kids will be exposed to three of the five topics already addressed in this series: drugs and alcohol, body image, and bullying.

Tips for Talking With Your Kids about What They Read and Watch

The images of teenagers and even tweens today that are being portrayed in movies, on TV and in magazines is enough to make any parent’s heart skip a beat. Whether it’s the reed thin girls on 90210 or the underage drinking on Gossip Girl, the media today does not mirror how kids should – and most often do – act. Here is a guide for how to approach the issue with your child and to take advantage of teachable moments.

• Be aware: Pay attention to what kind of media – including television, movies, magazines and online activities – your child consumes. Alarmingly, the media has been proven to be a key influencer in children’s and teen’s behavior – a recent study found that teens who watch a lot of television with sexual content are more likely to initiate intercourse in the following year.
• Start a dialogue: Make it clear to your child what types of media you find acceptable and what may be destructive. Be open and honest as to why you think a particular TV show or movie isn’t a good example for how teenagers should behave in order to lead healthy and successful lives.
• Read it and watch it together: If you find it a challenge to prevent your child from consuming their media of choice, try to sit down and read or watch together, and then discuss it afterwards. If a TV show or movie portrays teenagers drinking or doing drugs, for example, underscore how in the real world such behaviors have negative consequences. If you and your daughter flip through a fashion magazine together, you could say, “I don’t know anyone who looks like that.” This will give you a chance to start a conversation about whether models represent normal women.
• De-emphasize TV and the Internet in the household: Make sure that family dinners are not spent in front of the TV, and that homework is a priority of weeknights. Remember that parents lead by example, and try to encourage reading books as a leisure activity or organize family activities based on your children’s interest.

For more parenting tips and tools, please visit http://www.caron.org/parenting-tips-and-tools.html.

Tammy Granger is Caron’s Regional Director of Student Assistance Programs for Caron Treatment Centers. As such, she manages Student Assistance Services in the Northeast region in private and public schools as well as colleges and universities.

Caron’s Student Assistance Program currently reaches more than 60,000 students, teachers and parents annually.

Image above courtesy of homemadedad.ca.

• Commit to do one act of kindness each week based on the week’s challenge.
• Leave a comment with ideas relating to the week’s challenge as well as your experience(s) performing it.
• Grab the SOS button at the bottom of this post and put it on your blog or social networking site.
• Enter to win each week’s giveaway. Check out this week’s family focused giveaway by clicking here.
• Join #gno to connect with other Mom It Forward moms about the challenge. (Note: 10 lucky winners will receive popcorn gift packs during #gno!)

10 Ways to Make a Difference This Week

Here are 10 ideas to help you Focus on Family that will make a meaningful difference this week!

1. Choose your favorite games and set aside an hour to play them together as a family.
2. Enjoy mealtime together, having each person take a turn sharing about his or her favorite part of the day.
3. Have a talent show where each person in the family is encouraged to participate. Talents can include simple things like doing a karate kick, juggling, or telling a story to more complex things like playing a musical instrument, reciting a poem, or performing a dance number.
4. As a family, write a letter or send a package to a family member that lives far away, expressing your love and gratitude for that person.
5. Decide on your favorite at-home family activity and plan some time this week to do it. For one extra step, assign each family member a day of the week and allow him or her to choose which family activity to do. Set aside an hour to Focus on Family each day this week.
6. Make a treat together as a family and share it with a neighbor or other relative.
7. Create a CD with all your favorite family songs. Listen, sing, and dance to them together.
8. Choose a favorite family movie and set a time this week to have a family movie night. Don’t forget your Orville Redenbacher’s popcorn! Mmmmm!
9. Come up with a family mission statement. Identify your family goals and short- and long-term goals. Remember to include fun stuff in your plans like vacations, at-home family activities, etc.
10. Make time every day this week to spend one-on-one time with each of your children, telling them how much you love them. Do the same with your spouse!

This week’s SOS Challenge is sponsored by Orville Redenbacher’s. What other ideas do you have for Focusing on Family? Please share a comment here, letting us know how Focusing on Family has made a meaningful difference for you and your family this week.

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Photo used with permission from Flickr.

Guest post author Elizabeth Donovan is a psychotherapist, mom to three little girls, freelance writer, and owner of ParentingPink.com, a parenting site dedicated to raising strong, resilient girls.

“Mom, you are so lame! I hate you!”

Sound familiar?

Raising a teenager is difficult. Maintaining a strong relationship in the midst of raging hormones and endless arguing can be one of the most difficult challenges of parenthood.

I have listened to parents struggling with their teens express a heartfelt desire to build a better relationship, but often they have no idea where to begin. Good communication is an essential building block to a strong relationship between parents and teens. Learning how to talk to your teen will open doors for both of you and serve to strengthen your relationship.

• Listen “Actively.” One of the key components to developing a healthy relationship with your teen is to actively listen to what they say.
• Stop what you are doing.
• Look directly at your teen and give her your full attention.
• Listen carefully to what she is saying and comment on what you think you heard. You might do this by rephrasing what was said to you.
• Be sure to give your teenager an answer or ask her to repeat herself if you don’t understand what she is trying to say.
• Be respectful. Treat your teen the same way you would like to be treated.

· Keep your anger and frustration to a minimum. Try to be responsive, not reactive. This may be difficult when your teen is asking you for something you disagree with, but the key is for parents to take their emotional responses out of the equation. It’s better to take a break than to say something impulsive and risk damaging your relationship.

· Give your teen ownership of the problem. Often, parents want to fix their teen’s problem. Unfortunately, that response can be self-serving. When your daughter gets a D on her report card, whose problem is it? Your response should be brief and to-the-point: ask her how she’s going to manage it, give consequences, and be done with it. The more worked-up you get, the less likely she will attempt to resolve it herself.

· Get it in writing. Often, good communication fails because there is a genuine misunderstanding among parents and teenagers. You said, “Be home by midnight,” but your teen heard “Be home ‘around’ midnight.” It’s a good idea to write down rules to minimize misunderstandings.

· Role model. Though they often won’t admit it, teenagers scrutinize your “every” move. If they see you break rules, they’ll believe its ok for them to do the same.

· Reserve one-on-one time. Once children reach adolescence, parents often think that doing things together is less important. After all, don’t teenagers really want to be with their friends all the time? The truth is that most adolescents long for time with their family or going to the mall with mom, but are afraid to ask for it. So, offer your teen special time with you. It can provide fun conversations and important memories.

· Give praise and reframe statements. Its human nature to point out the negatives, but often takes an act of courage to say what’s right. Pay attention to the things your teenager does that are worthy of praise. If you have a complaint, try to positively reframe it. For example, “I appreciate it when you pick your clothes up off the floor” rather than, “Pick your clothes up or else you’re on restriction this weekend”.

· Share your feelings. When you share your genuine feelings about an issue, your teen may be less resistant. For example, “I worry when I can’t get hold of you on your cell” allows your teen to understand your perspective.

· Never reject your teen. There are many times parents get so frustrated and overwhelmed by their teenagers behavior that they shut them out. Walking away from your teen or refusing to talk with her will only serve to drive a damaging wedge in your relationship. Parental rejection is often the root of more severe behavioral problems in teens. If you feel you absolutely cannot deal with your teenager, it’s best to contact a mental health professional to help sort things out.

And remember, the key to any lasting, loving relationship is good communication and mutual respect.

Photo credits Bass_NRoll, rentamoose, mafleen