Praise: Three Steps for Building Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Imagine your child’s self-esteem as a house. It doesn’t appear simply because you want it to, but rather is constructed over time. Its strength depends on the foundation that you build day in and day out, through simple acts of love and care. Consider that every time you offer sincere praise to your child, you are adding a brick to your child’s foundation and fortifying him with the sense of self-worth that he needs to eventually stand on his own.
Three Guidelines for Effective Praise
To build the best possible foundation for your child, practice these three simple guidelines for effective praise:
1. Use Your Words
The first thing to remember about effective praise is that it needs to be spoken aloud. Never assume that your son is aware of how great it is that he helps his sibling or that your daughter knows she did a good thing by sharing her toy. Tell your children in words how you feel about what you see. Add in a gentle hug and kiss to reinforce your praise. It is a human need to receive positive feedback. What’s more, giving praise for your child’s desirable behaviors is also one of the best ways to ensure that the behaviors are repeated—bonus!
2. Mean What You Say
The best praise is that which is honest and sincere. False or empty compliments do not give a child valuable information about what makes them special, unique, talented, or strong; it gives them nothing to build on. Base praise on an action, trait, skill, or ability that the child can understand and can intentionally repeat. Praise builds relationships. When you offer a child a sincere compliment about something that is genuinely meaningful, you discover things that you enjoy in common with him, thereby adding to the foundation of your bond.
3. Say What You Mean
Be specific when giving praise to a child. Compare these statements:
a) Nice job.
b) I really like the way you helped me with your baby sister, by putting on her crib shoes. You were very helpful and kind.
Which compliment gives your child clear information about the behavior you would like to see repeated? Which one is more likely to build their self-esteem as an important member of your family?
Spoken, sincere, specific praise builds the foundation of your child’s self-esteem. It also strengthens the bonds between family members and encourages the repetition of positive behaviors. Now that’s a house you can all live in together!
Signe Whitson is a freelance writer and co-author of The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools and Workplaces. She is also a licensed social worker and mother to two young daughters. Please visit her blog about passive aggressive behavior. My Baby Clothes Boutique provides her articles to help give back to the parenting community.
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As a Mom raising two girls, this is something to which I pay close attention. Not wanting to overpraise, but to sincerely praise efforts and deeds so that they grow in confidence. Thanks for spelling it out with clear examples!
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This is something I have been working on with my boys. Taking the time to notice the good in what they do instead of the bad. Sometimes it feels like it can be hard to remain focused on all the good when they’re acting out but reading this helps reinforce the fact that positive praise, especially meaningful ones helps to build a stronger foundation of self worth and confidence for them. Thank you for this article.