Parenting Question: Would You Let Your Child Change Their Name?
If you and your partner are anything like me and my husband, you deliberated over what to name each and every child. In fact, we “deliberated” so much, we finally had to put a moratorium on the baby name discussion with our last child to avoid getting in fights over the name choices. Apparently, many people have this issue given the number of books, articles, and online guides produced on the subject.
After you discussed, put thought into, and researched names’ meanings, how would you feel if your child asked to change his or her name? Would you try and understand the reason behind the change? Would you go so far as to encourage him or her? Would you embrace the change and call your child by the new name or write it out using a changed spelling? Why or why not?
Many of you know me as Jyl or @jylmomIF. But, if you take a close look at my most important legal documents, specifically my driver license and passport, you’ll find that I’m really just Jill, spelled J-i-l-l. The secret is out! But why? Here’s the story…
When I was six years old, I started noticing that all of my friends had cool “other” names. Christine, for example, also got to be called “Christy” or “Chris.” How cool was that? Julie got to be called “Jules.” Even cooler! So, I started thinking about the awesome nickname I’d have everyone call me—a fabulous way to shorten my name. But, without changing the entire essence of my name, I kept drawing a blank. So I stormed home after school one day, stomped into the office where my mom was sitting at her type writer, and demanded to know a suitable nickname.
After coming to a similar conclusion, my mom uttered five life-changing words for me: “Why not change the spelling?”
We sat at the type writer together, typing out the possible solutions. First, we changed the “J” to “G.” G-i-l-l. Oops! I’m not a fish. And finally we landed on J-y-l. Wow! Wasn’t that beautiful! So me!
Now, more than 30 years later, no one other than the driver license division and the passport office (and now you!), knows me by J-i-l-l—not even my bank or mortgage companies.
I never thought of the impact the name change had on my mom and what my whole-hearted embrace of it required of her until my second son, named Connor, decided to become a Ninja Turtle and call himself Leo, short for Leonardo. We moved to a new neighborhood where, upon welcoming him into the children’s class at church, Connor announced himself to the group as Leo. Two weeks later, when I was looking for him after school one day, I went up to the door of a neighborhood friend and asked if Connor was there playing. In response she asked, “Do you mean Leo?”
I recalled all of the debate over his name, the care we put into choosing it, and how excited we were to announce it to the world. But, I laughed, thinking that this little Leo was truly my son—ushering in a new era of name changing.
How would you feel if your child wanted to change his or her name or the spelling of it?
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29 Responses to “Parenting Question: Would You Let Your Child Change Their Name?”
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Emily H. on February 13, 2010 12:12 pm
Hmmm…I’m not sure how I’d feel. I think it would be hard for me to let them do it before they were college age in case it was a passing fancy. I didn’t like my name all growing up but love it now. I think I’d regret changing it. Of course I love how you spell your name and love your little Leo’s creativity and spunk!
RobinJP on February 13, 2010 12:12 pm
My youngest brother converted to Judaism in his 20s and changed his name. Our parents named him Peter. He named himself Moshe.
My mom always told stories about how and why we are named what we are.
My mom and one brother have never really embraced Moshe’s name change. They call him Peter, while I refer to Moshe.. often in the same conversation.
Moshe went further.
When he married a Jewish woman in his 30s, he took her last name. She is in business with her father and, at first, Moshe said she was known by the well-established business name.. so it made more sense for him to take her name. There’s no arguing that taking her name made it easier for a Jewish convert to get along with some conservatives.
It wasn’t until several years after his name change that Moshe realized that Mom had given him the name Peter… so it makes sense that she has a hard time calling him by another name. It really took him about 10 years to realize this.
evonne on February 13, 2010 12:12 pm
My sister changed her name when she was 18, and didn’t have the heart to tell my Mom. LOL. After years she finally told her, and my Mom still will write her old name on everything…it makes my sister upset. Oh, the drama.
jyl johnson pattee on February 13, 2010 12:12 pm
Dying to know what she changed it from and to. Do tell!
jyl johnson pattee on February 13, 2010 12:12 pm
Thanks for your comment. Your family’s situation reminds me of the movie The Namesake. Sometimes, so much goes into naming a child that he or she can never really understand or may not appreciate until at a much older age, perhaps after having a child even (like me!).
Erica Mueller on February 13, 2010 2:02 pm
Jyl,
I went thru the whole hating of my own name as a child, all three of them…
First: Erica. I didn’t know a single other person by that name. It was unpopular, and I thought, unattractive. There wasn’t anything pretty about it like other names. Plus, people misspelled it constantly.. everyone thought I should have a ‘k’ in there.
Middle: Evelyn. Old fashion, no longer used, and once again, I didn’t know another human being by that name.
Last: Engell. Yea, you want to grow up being called Laura all your life? Get born into a family who’s last name is pronounced Ingalls.
I was in my late teens before I realized the meanings of the names my parents had given me, and the one I was born with.
Erica… named after my father. What an honor.
Evelyn… named after a grandmother I never knew, my mother’s mom who passed when she was a teen.
Engell… German, translated; angel. Of course I now longer carry this name, but I did learn to appreciated it and the name it is derived from… Engelbreighton (sp?), Bright Angel.
Would I let my child change their name? No. We had very specific reasons for naming our son, we thought long and hard about it and even took into consideration how hard it might be for him to spell, whether people would make fun of him etc. If, as an adult, he later decided to change his name I couldn’t do anything about it, but as a child, no, he won’t be changing it. Daddy and Mommy gave him that name!
And now we laugh that he says his full name (Gabriel) Gabe-bo. However if we call him by his full name he insists:
“My name ISN’T Bo. It’s Gabe. Just Gabe.”
That’s ok.
We’d planned on that.
Love the Leo story! I think every kid goes through a stage like that.
Carissa on February 13, 2010 2:02 pm
I guessed it!! The article was about BOTH you and ‘Leo’.. I rock. and I love the story.
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Gwen Bell on February 13, 2010 3:03 pm
My last name changed multiple times throughout my childhood, due to circumstances outside my control. Even my middle name on my social sec card was different. Bell is my maternal last name – after getting married, I knew I wouldn’t change it again because it had changed so often.
A name is a thing. Empty. Doesn’t dictate who you are or how you live. And I would know, I’ve cycled through a number of them and still retained my “me-ness.” Your youness doesn’t go away with a name change, so why worry if your kid changes it?
Unless they say they want to adopt a stripper name. But even then, still just a name. (Although, my life would be a bit different, probably if I went by Candy Forest or something.) (Is that even a stripper name?)
- @gwenbell & not budging on that
Gwen Bell on February 13, 2010 3:03 pm
If the URL isn’t available, the name is out. No way am I going to stunt their online personality growth from birth. Also, it needs to be less than eight characters.
Yes, I’m serious.
Boston Mamas on February 13, 2010 3:03 pm
Hmmm… interesting question (and interesting now to know the etiology of your name!). I personally love Laurel’s name but if she had major issue with it at some point, I would likely support her choice. A lot of parenting is letting go and helping your kids become confident enough to make their own decisions… seems like this would fall in that bucket. -Christine
Sarah, Ohana Mama on February 13, 2010 3:03 pm
I changed my name too! I’m Sarah. There are a lot of Sarah’s in the world, so growing up I was ALWAYS “Sarah F” to distinguish me from the other five hundred in my class.
So in first grade I changed my own name to Sahara. My mom was cool with it, as was my teacher.
I think i let it be for a month before I maybe got jealous of the other Sarah’s using MY real name
So I went back.
Now I love being another Sarah…with an H! And if I meet another one, we bond
And sure, I’d be into it if the kids wanted to change their names…it’s their life, I’m just here to guide and bounce ideas off of
Paula on February 13, 2010 4:04 pm
I went through a phase where I wanted to change my name, but for different reasons than people have stated here. I was named after my step-grandfather. When I was 14 he molested me. Needless to say, I was very angry and absolutely hated not only him, but my own name, which was a constant reminder of him.
It took me many, many years of therapy as an adult to get over the trauma that happened to me as a teen. Now, I do love myself and my name.
If my son would want to change his name, I would understand. When he was around 12-13, he wanted to change his name, but never really followed through with it.
When we named him we really spent a long time on his name, but I would understand if he wanted to change it to match who he is now.
jyl johnson pattee on February 13, 2010 4:04 pm
Wow! Sahara was creative. I love that you went exploring at such a young age. I think had my name only been J-i-l-l, I could’ve been fine. But my last name was Johnson. It was far too normal for me. Either way, I love that our moms were fine with us exploring, regardless of where we landed. I agree with your comment on being here to “guide” kids. It’s so true!
Abby on February 13, 2010 4:04 pm
Absolutely! After all, I changed my name.
I was born Amy Beth, in 1973. Amy was the second most popular name for girls born in the 70s, second only to Jennifer. I hated sharing my name with so many other girls. But what to do? My middle name, Beth, didn’t seem like much better a fit, and how do you squeeze a nickname out of seven letters?
I ended up answering to my initials, A.B., which morphed into Abby. Right before I got married, I legally became Amy Abigail – A. Abigail, Abby. It suits me – though the joke is on me, as Abigail has since become one of the most names for girls born in the US …
My own kids have long names, rich in nickname options. So if Clio – Claire Caroline Wren – comes home and says she wants to be Claire or C.C. or Carrie or Wren or Sonya, that’s fine.
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Tami on February 13, 2010 10:10 pm
I say good for Conner! Trying on different names seems pretty harmless. As a teacher I’d have a hard time with the mid-year name change, but I’d probably give it a go.
My own name history is that everyone misspelled it growing up and I wanted to change the spelling to conform. I finally got over it by about 9th grade and kept it the same.
Kimberly (currently) on February 13, 2010 11:11 pm
My birth name is Kimberly,but was always called Kim (kim novack era). In 3rd grade I added a Y (Kym). When in my mid-20′s I used my full name and introduced myself as Kimberly. Still people ask my preference, I tell them Kimberly and they call me Kim and I really do not like it. I always call people by the names they introduce themselves by. Respect.
So, my name does not resonate with me. My family has made attempts over the past 25 years to call me Kimberly, but without consideration. Now that I am in my mid-40′s I feel completely non attached to my name. This is increased over past years. Last week, I listened to the “Zen is Stupid podcast” on names. Great stuff. Still resonating. I have known my desired name for over 10 years now. After that podcast—well, the URL (9 letters instead of 20) was available, so now it is mine. Interesting post. Thank you!
Connie on February 14, 2010 12:12 am
My good friend has a daughter who wanted to change her name when she was 11 years old. After much thought and discussion, she changed it to Jill. (not with a “y”, sorry)
Jill got married then divorced and ended up changing her name back to the original one. I would have stuck with Jill.
Laurie on February 14, 2010 10:10 am
Good question for sure! I had a name that didn’t really offer nickname options, so kind of wished for that growing up. And then I grew up and named all my kids non-nickname kind of names, because I didn’t want anyone “changing” their name for them. If they want nicknames we’ll find them something and if, as ADULTS, they want to change their named I would support them. Otherwise, I just make sure they know the stories of why I named them what I did and how special each of their names are to us.
Kate on February 14, 2010 4:04 pm
Interestingly, my parents wanted me to change my name…sort of. They named me Kathleen, but thought Katie was better for a little girl…they fully expected me to change to Kathleen when I reached a certain age, but it didn’t happen. In high school, I went with Kate (thinking the “ie” was babyish). Now, I hardly think of myself as a Kathleen, unless I’m filling out some sort of official form. Once when my mom registered me for soccer she used my full name, and all spring the other girls would call “Kathleen! Your ball!’ and I’d be looking around wondering who they were talking to.
As for my own kids, I think my husband and I did a great job choosing our daughters’ names (of course), so I’d be pretty hurt if they wanted to change them to something completely different.
Howard Bellin on February 15, 2010 4:04 pm
I don’t think it’s a good idea. Thats the benefit of being a parent! However, if the name in question is somehow negative to their development… then maybe. Overall I think it’s a good idea… let them have kids of their own and name them what they want.
My .02 cents.
Marianne on February 15, 2010 11:11 pm
I think I’d be ok with one of my kids changing their name. I remember my 9yo (now 18yo) going through a phase in which he wanted me to call him by his middle name, James or Jimmy. It didn’t last long (thank goodness, since I don’t like the name ‘Jimmy’).
I gave all of my kids very generic names, but I really tried to give them as many options as I could for alternatives. 1) Lauren Ashley; 2) Andrew James; 3) Jacob Tyler. After we named our youngest, I had second thoughts about ‘Jacob’. He looks more like a Lukas to me still. lol Oh well. Two out of three ain’t too bad, right?
Marriage Ref on February 16, 2010 6:06 pm
My son actually wants to change his name to batman but unfortunately I wont let him
.
Nicole on February 17, 2010 3:03 pm
I changed my name. It’s my name, that I have to live with every day and be called. If it doesn’t fit right with me, why should I have to be called it?
Of course, my parents called my by my middle name and I changed my middle name to my first name and they got to pick (er.. suggest) my new middle name. I was graduating high school, so they had to approve the paperwork, but I don’t think they’d have any problems with it. Unless I tried to name myself “Dirt” or something. My family called me by a nick-name based off my middle name anyways, and they still call me that, except it makes sense why they call me it now (to others)!
Janelle Sorensen on February 26, 2010 9:09 pm
Such an interesting discussion! When I was little, my best friend’s mom gave me the nickname “Nelly” and I hated it. One day I stood defiantly in front of her and said “My name is JANELLE, not NELLY!” I guess I really liked my first name. But, not my middle name, Kay. For years I thought my middle name was just the letter “K” (sounds the same as “Kay” and all my report cards said “Janelle K.”) Boy, I thought that was sooooo cool. My middle name was just a letter. Classmates would ask me my middle name and I’d say, “It’s K, just the letter.” How avant garde. Anyway, when I finally discovered my middle name was actually “Kay,” I was extremely disappointed. I never considered changing it. It was my name and that’s all there was to it.
As far as my own children go – I feel their names are so fitting for their personalities. Even how we came upon their names is so reflective of their personalities. It’s amazing synchronicity and I would not want them to change their names. Their names and personalities are now infused with meaning and intention and I would hope that if they ever approached me with disdain about their names, I could describe to them the significance and beauty behind it.
Miss Mimi on March 10, 2010 2:02 pm
I am totally feeling a bond with Kimberly (currently). I am Kimberly too and always hated being called “Kim”. As a child I always felt like a Kimberly and never understood why adults would constantly try to shorten it. I have tried my entire life to go by my full name – always introducing myself as Kimberly. But no matter how hard I try there are always those people that can’t handle all three syllables and will insist on shortening it.
For years I have worked with children and they have always called me “Miss Kimberly” without a problem. Just recently I was working with a 2 year-old that was having a hard time saying my name so I told her to call me “Miss Kimmie” (which I do not mind at all). When she tried to say my name again it came out “Miss Mimi”. My heart was filled with such joy. She now calls me Mimi all the time and the other kids are catching on to it. I plan to adopt this nickname. It will certainly fit me as I enter my forties and hopefully grow old gracefully.
Would I ever let my son and daughter change their names? Yes I would, but not until they are adults. Like Janelle I would definitely have a conversation with them about the significance of their name. Then I would gently suggest that they at least use their original name as a middle name. This way they have it in case they change their mind again later. I completely understand what it’s like to be called by a name you do not like and I understand the unhappiness it can cause. I want my kids to be happy and confident individuals. I will always be there to help them achieve that.
Best wishes to all of you.
Mer on March 12, 2010 9:09 pm
Hi Jyl,
It’s such relief to read those stories and it is encouraging to know that not only me who (now) ‘regretted’ giving my daughter’s uncommon name. At that time, we could not find a suitable name for her and everything sounds too popular and many people have those names or someone we knew already had those names. In the end we settled to name her Jesslyn. We always like this name, we called her Lyn at home. Until now, she is at school, as it is not a common name, people keep asking for the spelling and the pronunciation is never right. Everyone calls her Jess’len’ instead of Jess’lin’ (which we always think it is).
Only last week, she asked me who gave her the name. She said she wished her name was Emma or Lily as they are easy to say. She said her friends always say her name incorrectly (it breaks my heart).
To make it worse, we have an older son, called Jason, and sometimes both names sounded similar. Somehow, we did not realise it when we chose the name.
It may sound crazy, but I am thinking of changing her name, somehow, to make it easier for her. I know it is not easy, and what would be the consequences to her most importantly. Her middle name is Sophie and I would not mind her being called this, I love this name too.
Would love to hear your honest opinion.
jyl johnson pattee on March 13, 2010 1:01 pm
Wow! I don’t know. I’d ask her what she wants to do and go from there. She may love having a different name as she grows older. If she is set on using another name, perhaps her middle name is a great idea. That way, she still gets to use her given name, just not her first name.
My cousin and I both changed the spellings of our names at the same time. I kept with mine, but she went back. Since it may be a phase, I’d let her experiment and if something sticks, then permanently change it later. Just a thought.
Good luck!