What Is Your Definition of Friendship?
I've been thinking a lot about friendship and how much those closest to me, including my family members, help add joy and happiness to my life as well as help shape who I am. The quote: "You are the company you keep" encourages us to be deliberate in how we define and choose our friends. And on the flip side, it reminds us that being good company is just as important as seeking it.
My mom, my sisters, and I at the Evo Conference.
Characteristics of a Friend
So much of friendship for me comes down to values. I love Wikipedia's definition of friendship:
The value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:
- Desire what is best for the other
- Sympathy and empathy
- Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
- Mutual understanding and compassion
- Trust in one another; ability to go to each other for emotional support"
Me and Rachael from TodaysMama.com at Evo Conference.
What characteristics and values are most important to you in a friend?
For me, I'd add integrity to this list as well, because while people may have these values, the most important thing is their desire and effort to live in accordance with them.
Tips to Being a Good Friend
While keeping great company helps define us, it is only one half of the friendship equation. We also need to be great company for others in return. Here's a few ways to be a good friend:
- Uplift Your Friends
- Love Others for Who They Are
- Serve Your Friends How They Want to Be Served
- Apologize and Change
Uplift Your Friends
Relationships need to be mutually beneficial and one of the best ways for people to benefit is when they are uplifted by another individual. Actions that are often uplifting include: validating, affirming, looking out and sticking up for, taking care of, being loyal to, trusting and being honest with, and being there for others.
When I think of uplifting friends, they are those that I have on speed dial. I can call them any time—for a good laugh, to share some news, when I'm having a tough day, or when I need a pick-me-up. They are my peeps—those that get me and in essence, make me a better me!
Kami from NoBiggie.net, Allison from PetitElefant.com, Marie from MakeandTakes.com, Casey from MooshInIndy.com, and me at BlogHer'10.
Love Others for Who They Are
The lens through which we see the world and the belief systems we cling to shape most of our perspectives. As I look at the company I keep, I am increasingly amazed and in awe at the diverse personality types, skills, attributes, and talents those closest to me bring to the table. As they help me see things through their lens, it changes my outlook, adding color, beauty, and clarity to the world around me.
Trying to force others to be more like you or only choosing friends who are your same type is limiting. Adversely, choosing friendships based on values instead of personality types and learning to love people for who they are enhances your experiences.
Serve Your Friends How They Want to Be Served
Service is a great way to show love in any relationship.
Me and Amy Belgardt from MomSpark.net at Evo Conference.
I wrote a post once about how to raise giving children. In it, I promoted the concept of doing unto others as they need you to do unto them and not "as you'd like done unto you."
I've had many opportunities to be the recipient of service in my life. After one surgery, I was flat on my back in bed for 6 weeks. I discovered the way in which I needed to be served when a friend came to visit. She brought Yahtzee, magazines, treats, and spent 2 hours with me chatting, playing games, and just hanging out. I was in so much pain and so happy all at the same time. I learned that when I am out for the count, the biggest gift someone can give me is time. Just be with me.
Books like the 5 Love Languages are great at helping you figure out ways in which you want to be loved and served as well as helping you notice what your friends' needs may be. The catch is that sometimes it is tough to figure out how others want to be served. And sometimes, they don't even know. But, paying attention or trying a variety of things to see what works best and doing those things helps you meet their needs best.
Apologize and Change
Friendships grow and change and need to be strengthened like any other relationship. The goal is to create positive experiences, be there for each other, and have the relationship be mutually beneficial. If you veer off the path of being a great friend, apologize and change. It takes a second to offer a sincere apology. It may take months to change your behavior. But it is nearly impossible to replace a fabulous friendship. The time required to apologize and change is a drop in the bucket compared to the time it took to create all the amazing memories.
Evaluate your friendships and ask yourself:
- If you are the company you keep, who are you? And, is that the person you want to be?
- If your friends are the company they keep, who are they? And, are they a better person because you are in their lives?
- What is one thing you can do this week to be a better friend?
What a thorough article on friendship! I feel that I have friends for different situations. All of my close friends have wonderful qualities. The number one that they all have in common is the feeling of knowing each other for lifetimes. That quick bonding is a common denominator in all my friends. Great conversation, deep understanding, trust, and loyalty. However, I do have friends that are great for shopping, great for deep thoughts about the unknown, great for shoulder to lean on, and the list goes on.
Thanks for writing this, it is a great reminder to value those in your life.
Jyl – so love this blog and you! I feel honored to call you friend. Thanks for inspiring so many women – you rock!
BIG hugs – Debba
You guys are so adorable in all of the pictures but I LOVE the Bush’s picture!! Too funny!
Oh, man. Loads of love!
I love friends who take me where I am and help me get me where I’m going.
Amen.
I’m so happy to call you my friend. This social media world has been so amazing to bring us together!!! I love you to pieces!
And I love that photo of us at Blogher!
I too feel so lucky to have you as a friend, Jyl. You have a such a positive person, always so fun to be with.
I too love that picture of us. What a fun weekend!
I love, love, love this post, Jyl.
fantastic.
Yes. yes. yes.
Love this! Friends who you can vent anything to that won’t judge you are the best! Like my blog partner Ash. Yes Petit Elefant, I love friends who take me where I am and help me get me where I’m going. You always need to have friends that inspire you to be your best you!
This is a truly amazing post. I had the chills reading it! Thanks so much! You are awesome, and I am so glad our paths have crossed!
What a thoughtful post, Jyl! I think as I get older, friendship means more to me. I am more careful in who I choose to call a close friend and need it to be a 2-way street.
Beautiful post!
Thanks Alison, and to all of you, for your sweet comments.
Here’s the thing… I feel completely blessed to have such amazing friends. And… the tips I shared weren’t things I am necessary good at, but things that my friends have taught me and I aspire to be better at. In short, they are the ways in which my friends have been good friends to me.
I hope I can someday be half as awesome as the company I keep! You’re all amazing
.
Wow Jyl, the timing of this post could not be more perfect. Sometimes our lives can get really crazy and it’s easy to focus on what we need. When we can truly focus on those around us and how we can help them our lives are more blessed.
I am so grateful for our friendship.
What a sweet post. I’d rather be known as a good friend than anything else in this world.
i like it!!!
Friends
How many count them,
Do you really call a friend?
Really, count them…
And tell me where your fingers end
I’m not talking about acquaintances
Or people you stop and wave-to-Hi
I’m talking about those people that you know,
Where you never want to say good-bye
How many?
Really how many can you say?
Where you can tell your darkest secrets
And with your friend they see the light of day
Tell me with who you let your guard-go-down
Where you can feel-at-ease and dance around
In your living room to a romantic tune
Lay down at night look-up-at-the-moon
Laugh together like kids in a cool tree house
Then both stay quiet as a small church mouse
Hoping you can stay there Forever…
And no one will ever come-and-look
As you both anxiously discover
more about each other,
Like the next chapter in a book…
How many?
And which friend when you hug them
You know it will not bug them
Not any time of day
Not ever when you say
You Like them
Or Love them
That you never want to be-above-them
But just be-with-them
Side by side
along for the ride,
of a Lifetime…
Being-goofy, being-silly, crying-being-mad
And the next moment laughing so damn hard
That when you look at them you’re really glad,
They’re your friend…
How many?
Listen, you know this
Deep down inside your heart
We can name these
Maybe one or two
Possibly several or a few,
But for sure we all need more,
More friends just like this…
Friends who love you for who you are
Like kids who share
And wish upon a star
We hope and dream that we don’t miss
to share our lives and have happiness…
These friends are really those bright stars
Illuminated across the evening sky
Just be honest and say we tried
To be a friend just like this,
To love another whether hit-or-miss
And realize each one of us
That this road only truly ends
When we don’t need any hands or fingers
To count all of those
That we call
Friends…
©8DaveWonder 2010
[...] love this post from Jyl on What is Your Definition of Friendship. Not food related, but definitely worth a read this [...]
What a beautiful post, Jyl! I absolutely love this one!
Thanks for your sweet comment, Amy!
Amen. *fist bump* too. Love, love love this!
[...] My lesson this week was inspired by my friend Jyl, from Mom it Forward, whom I met at the fabulous EVO ’10 conference in Park City this summer (Jyl actually put this conference on), and who also wrote a very inspiring post on friendships. [...]
[...] My lesson this week was inspired by my friend Jyl, from Mom it Forward, whom I met at the fabulous EVO ’10 conference in Park City this summer (Jyl actually put this conference on), and who also wrote a very inspiring post on friendships. [...]